Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
