Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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