last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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