you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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