May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
