i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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