If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
