I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
