my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
