I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
