OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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