but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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