im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
