lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
MIDGETS
????
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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