happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
