I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize