When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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