So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
