you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
