The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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