it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
