This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Panties = found
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
