Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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