so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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