The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
