I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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