the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
