I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
