My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
