Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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