now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
