My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
