Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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