I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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