we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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