I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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