I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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