my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
