Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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