sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I need to calm my uterus...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
