Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
