Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
