I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's always time for handjobs
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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