I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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