I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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