thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
