surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
