I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
