Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
