Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
