So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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